Hemligt

Yesterday night I invited out my friend G for a "joppe" at the mountain of Masthugget - the central freespace where the sky and the city makes you battle between which view you love the most, free air to fill with illegal fragrances, lovely drug bubbles.

He suddenly asks how I perceived him in the beginning of our friendship and as I start investigating it I remember how I felt a bit obliged to have sex with him and whilst sex with him felt compulsive, I let it continue in its destructive cycle, I let myself fell apart and be recollected within and around our meetings.

I told him all this, I told him I also how I used to look up to him. As I thought of him to be so cool I wanted to please him somehow because it gave me social cred as well. To all this he responded with understanding and said that it was times he had given thought. He apologized for never checking in on any signs and being intolerate and stupid. He said he had thought of us equal without considering the factors that actually made us inequal (age, gender). I told him thank you when he apologized. I hadn't thought of bringing it up that night, maybe never. Maybe I hadn't even considered the amout of guilt he actually deserved, but it felt nice there and then to actually show your pain and gain back some of my satisfaction. And I will consider this more, my role in time and space and how we could still be friends, in what way, and all of that. It will be okay, but as for now I feel hunted, in distress. I feel like I'm loosing controll, but just for a bit, I'm just a few days behind.

 

• I've been eating a lot
• I've been having a cold that lefts me feeling drained and incapable of being as fun among friends and feeling like myself
• My room is being painted, leaving me to sleep in the couch with my stuff spread around the apartment and me shattered like pieces of documents in a office space
• The concert is over (it went well)