Yesterday night I invited out my friend G for a "joppe" at the mountain of Masthugget - the central freespace where the sky and the city makes you battle between which view you love the most, free air to fill with illegal fragrances, lovely drug bubbles.
He suddenly asks how I perceived him in the beginning of our friendship and as I start investigating it I remember how I felt a bit obliged to have sex with him and whilst sex with him felt compulsive, I let it continue in its destructive cycle, I let myself fell apart and be recollected within and around our meetings.
I told him all this, I told him I also how I used to look up to him. As I thought of him to be so cool I wanted to please him somehow because it gave me social cred as well. To all this he responded with understanding and said that it was times he had given thought. He apologized for never checking in on any signs and being intolerate and stupid. He said he had thought of us equal without considering the factors that actually made us inequal (age, gender). I told him thank you when he apologized. I hadn't thought of bringing it up that night, maybe never. Maybe I hadn't even considered the amout of guilt he actually deserved, but it felt nice there and then to actually show your pain and gain back some of my satisfaction. And I will consider this more, my role in time and space and how we could still be friends, in what way, and all of that. It will be okay, but as for now I feel hunted, in distress. I feel like I'm loosing controll, but just for a bit, I'm just a few days behind.
- I've been eating a lot
- I've been having a cold that lefts me feeling drained and incapable of being as fun among friends and feeling like myself
- My room is being painted, leaving me to sleep in the couch with my stuff spread around the apartment and me shattered like pieces of documents in a office space
- The concert is over (it went well)
Yesterday night I invited out my friend G for a "joppe" at the mountain of Masthugget - the central freespace where the sky and the city makes you battle between which view you love the most, free air to fill with illegal fragrances, lovely drug bubbles.
He suddenly asks how I perceived him in the beginning of our friendship and as I start investigating it I remember how I felt a bit obliged to have sex with him and whilst sex with him felt compulsive, I let it continue in its destructive cycle, I let myself fell apart and be recollected within and around our meetings.
I told him all this, I told him I also how I used to look up to him. As I thought of him to be so cool I wanted to please him somehow because it gave me social cred as well. To all this he responded with understanding and said that it was times he had given thought. He apologized for never checking in on any signs and being intolerate and stupid. He said he had thought of us equal without considering the factors that actually made us inequal (age, gender). I told him thank you when he apologized. I hadn't thought of bringing it up that night, maybe never. Maybe I hadn't even considered the amout of guilt he actually deserved, but it felt nice there and then to actually show your pain and gain back some of my satisfaction. And I will consider this more, my role in time and space and how we could still be friends, in what way, and all of that. It will be okay, but as for now I feel hunted, in distress. I feel like I'm loosing controll, but just for a bit, I'm just a few days behind.
- I've been eating a lot
- I've been having a cold that lefts me feeling drained and incapable of being as fun among friends and feeling like myself
- My room is being painted, leaving me to sleep in the couch with my stuff spread around the apartment and me shattered like pieces of documents in a office space
- The concert is over (it went well)
Yesterday night I invited out my friend G for a "joppe" at the mountain of Masthugget - the central freespace where the sky and the city makes you battle between which view you love the most, free air to fill with illegal fragrances, lovely drug bubbles.
He suddenly asks how I perceived him in the beginning of our friendship and as I start investigating it I remember how I felt a bit obliged to have sex with him and whilst sex with him felt compulsive, I let it continue in its destructive cycle, I let myself fell apart and be recollected within and around our meetings.
I told him all this, I told him I also how I used to look up to him. As I thought of him to be so cool I wanted to please him somehow because it gave me social cred as well. To all this he responded with understanding and said that it was times he had given thought. He apologized for never checking in on any signs and being intolerate and stupid. He said he had thought of us equal without considering the factors that actually made us inequal (age, gender). I told him thank you when he apologized. I hadn't thought of bringing it up that night, maybe never. Maybe I hadn't even considered the amout of guilt he actually deserved, but it felt nice there and then to actually show your pain and gain back some of my satisfaction. And I will consider this more, my role in time and space and how we could still be friends, in what way, and all of that. It will be okay, but as for now I feel hunted, in distress. I feel like I'm loosing controll, but just for a bit, I'm just a few days behind.
- I've been eating a lot
- I've been having a cold that lefts me feeling drained and incapable of being as fun among friends and feeling like myself
- My room is being painted, leaving me to sleep in the couch with my stuff spread around the apartment and me shattered like pieces of documents in a office space
- The concert is over (it went well)
25 september
Jag tror att den sociala masken jag bär, börjar skava, och mina ryckningar och min stora möda med att låta den sitta medan jag kör vidare mitt skådespel börjar märkas, och snart kommer de fatta att jag är en bluff och jag kommer aldrig kunna få upprättelse igen.
Jag får lust att varna alla jag känner för mig, och sen lägga mig och skrika som ett barn. Berömma de jag älskar; José, Felix, mina vänner, säga att de är bättre än mig, och till de jag inte orkar krypa för: förkasta, försöka förvränga i minnet så att jag inte orkar skulden över att även dem ska se ner på mig. Jag skäms, jag tycker synd om er. Jag tycker synd om José som fick säga tre gånger idag att det inte gjorde någonting att jag höll honom uppe hela natten. Och när jag sa att han inte skulle göra slut om jag var dålig på konserten imorgon. Och det var ett skämt, men i det fanns ett sammanhang som jag menade, som jag värjde mig inför, och det såg han i mina ögon, och han förstod inte vilka algoritmer det var och då blev vi avbrutna av en UNHCR- volontär, just då, men jag tror jag menade något i stuk med ”Hej José, jag förlitar mig så mycket på andras bekräftelse. Jag vet inte om jag är bra om jag inte får höra det av någon. Jag kommer troligtvis hata mig själv efteråt och vara lite av ett vrak, och jag är ofta ett vrak, men du märker det inte för jag döljer det för dig.” Jag tycker synd om alla som måste trippa på tå runt mig för att inte jag ska få ont. Och jag får ont, så himla lätt, orättvist lätt. För andra och för mig! Hur kan jag hitta tillbaka till att uppbåda luft att skapa mig ett luftutrymme och skapa mig plats och skapa mig ryggrad och inneboende hejaklack? Ibland känns det som att det enda jag har är mina egna självömkande tankar.
Saker jag kan förstå med mitt förnuft når ändå inte in på grund av mina känslor. Som att José inte vill vara med mig om jag är med andra. Spelar inte jag störst roll? Är det egoistiskt av mig att tänka så? Att han inte kompromissar fastän jag gör det. Att det känns orättvist på något vis, fastän känslor ju faktiskt är det. Och att sätta sig själv först också är det ibland.
